How are you?

9/8/2015

This question has always bemused me. For all of us, 'I'm fine' is always a bit of a half-truth. And in my case, as friends Christine and Silke themselves pointed out over coffee in Haßfurt last week: 'I'm fine' needs to be seen to be believed—I hope they're now believers! Closer to my truth would start something like this:

'… I'm aggressive going into Round 9 but nauseous just from the thought of that damned poison. I'm confident with the news that my immune system and liver are strong but nervous about what happens if they bonk. I'm grateful for all the alternative medical treatments I have access to, but terrified of the day when I'll surely need them. I'm proud that I won a big block of cheese (and more importantly earned the title Das Gämse from fellow training geek Scott) for finishing on the podium of an Alpine trail race but was too nervous to claim it lest it fry my brain...'

How am I? I would not want to put you through the never-ending, convoluted monodrama.

But if you happen to have a few hours...

Happily, last Sunday I found perhaps my most compelling answer yet, and it's no surprise that it came in the 'multi-media' of an opera—Tristan und Isolde. To fully fathom it, I recommend immersing yourself in the verdure of Wagner's hills and visiting his annual festival at Bayreuth, although it can often take years to get hold of a ticket (admittedly, Ingrid and I forgot to send in our postal applications every year. Luckily, with the advent of the internet, we clicked for a few hours and got lucky). Failing that, YouTubing it will give you a taste.

Like so much art, Tristan und Isolde has bits that inspire fear, excitement, exuberance, even laughter. What struck me about it is how the needle of thanatophobia weaves these emotions together simultaneously with an air of eerie uncertainty. Funny that, given how certain death is. Wagner felt a 'perfect' rendition of the opera might drive people mad. I guess the beauty of truly realising that you are indeed going to die is that life's harmonic suspensions, free polyphonies, and delicate colours become all the more maddeningly 'perfect'.

How am I? As Natalie would cheerfully say, Pablo has become a 'hot mess'.

But if you have a few minutes…

Many commentators say Wagner gave birth to 'modern' music with all its maddening characteristics. Fast forward 150 years for evidence of it in this grand orchestral performance I'm sure even he would have been proud of:

We all burn out eventually, but burning out bright, especially with a wretched tumour, can sometimes feel as impossible as flying. And indeed, I've discovered that (like The Foo Fighters and the Italian dude) 'I can't quite make it alone'. I'm sorry my posts are often peppered with names from around the world you don't recognise, but that’s a reflection of the little miracle that I've ended up with my own army of at least 1,000.

How am I? Shit-scared when I look down, because—damn!!—we're flying high!