Happy hot mess

My previous entry (3 February) was busy on emotion, short on medical details; a poetic reflection of how I was feeling but also a hodgepodge of insomnia-driven cognitive dissonance. I have since undertaken some fresh tests (a brain scan and glandular stuff), spoken to my doctors, and received my standard biannual immunotherapy ('DCVax') injection. 

So let me share a few details.

A hot mess
What happened to me on the 1st of February? Weeks of subtle changes within my brain--a little inflammation here, a new hot spot there--finally fully expressed themselves. Recap: I had been experiencing mildly surreptitious and slightly random changes for weeks (eg left eye tearing up;  limited appetite; lower energy levels; Kombucha cravings?!)... and yet nothing so glaring that I ever became alarmed. I had become a little complacent following what had effectively become a 2+ year run of remission. 

A HAPPY hot mess
It’s been a tough month, managing these new side-effects without knowing how long they will last. But I've found a lot of comfort in the mundane details. 

Firstly, I know the enemy well. Emotionally, GBM sucks because it hurts both your brain and its ability to perceive pain. Even likening the disease to a suicide bomber is giving it too much credit. It doesn’t really operate with malice or evil—simply with the intention to grow. It’s more of a time bomb whose growth trajectory is in large part random. This translates into ‘good' news because my latest brain scans indicate its recent spread has been caused more by a few smallish, minor rebels; less by a single grotesque hell-bent beast. The former should be easier to take down.

Secondly, I'm ready to fight. The initial response will be straightforward. An indiscriminate 'kill every fucker out there' chemo offensive (the time-honoured 5 days on, 23 off regimen). Because of the GBM's diffuse nature, the doctors agree this is the quickest way to dislodge it from the bits of my brain currently affected. It is also helpful my body is currently almost entirely free of TMZ; this should boost its hit rate. We will throw in a twist this time: an endocrinologist providing covering fire to help free up parts of my brain with other speciality meds.

Yeah, 'I love the smell of napalm in the morning'.